“Arunachala!”
He called out, “pray, give me strength, to seek you, again and again!”
Dinesh was tired
and called out, in his mind, to the sacred Arunachala, to give him
strength while on the Girivalam. He smiled at the priest at the Yama
Lingam temple and thanked him as he received blessings from the sacred
camphor fire. Why did he call out in such a manner, he wondered, for this was
only the second of the ashtalingams on the Girivalam route, and
he had to visit the other six, not including the Surya and Chandra
Lingams. Upon completion, he would also go to visit Shiva at the
Tiruvannamalai temple, one of the five pancha-bhoota-lingams.
The elderly priest
of the Yama Lingam temple smiled at Dinesh, and began to close the doors
to the inner sanctum. It was almost noon and it was time to get some rest. He
would find it difficult to keep walking on the Girivalam route, and it
would be sensible to rest it out in the outer sanctum of the Yama Lingam
temple, Dinesh thought. This was his first attempt to take the sacred walk
around the holy Arunachala at Tiruvannamalai. Against all advice, he had
started his walk on the Girivalam route at 9.00 am. After a prayer at
the Agni Lingam temple and a brief stop and visit to Sri Ramanashram,
he had barely made it in time for the prayers at the Yama Lingam temple.
It was too hot
outside, in this summer month. “Take some rest here,” said the priest, “Take a
small nap or chant your beads in offering to Arunachala. Do not go out
in the sun.” Dinesh was thankful, and watched the old priest settle down on the
running seat-ledges that were all around the open outer sanctum of the Yama
Lingam temple. 25 year-old Dinesh bowed to the old priest in respect, went
back to the inner sanctum gate, worshipped loudly, reciting some 4-5 stotrams
that he knew, picked up the sacred ash and applied it on his forehead. Taking out
some money from his wallet, he pushed them into the hundi box. The priest
did not watch him, intent as he was, in arranging a small coir mattress on the
seat ledge and got ready to take his nap. He gestured for Dinesh to lie down or
sit at the seat-ledge alongside.
It did seem very welcoming
to accept the invitation. It was too hot outside, and he could see that the
road was totally deserted except for a random vehicle going towards
Tiruvannamalai. Dinesh went to one of the seat-ledges, rolled out a towel that
he had brought with him, placed his small handbag as a head cushion and lied
down, hoping to get some rest. He was worried. This was a temple, and any which
way that one would lie down, the direction of the feet may be disrespectful.
Disturbed, he sat up, and quietly kept chanting, “Arunachala! Arunachala!
Arunachala!” He thought it may be best to imitate the priest and keep his
feet in a similar direction, pointing away from the sanctum, and away from the
sacred peak of Arunachala.
Some mendicants
were also resting in the open sanctum of the Yama Lingam temple. On the
shaded outer areas, there were some buffaloes resting alongside the wall. They
seemed content, resting in the shade, waiting it out through their noon siesta.
As he watched, from the scrub forests near the temple, a huge buffalo came
waddling slowly, followed by a tall cowherd, an elderly looking man, swarthy, and
dressed only in his loin cloth. His head was covered in some sort of a
headgear, and complete with his huge bristling handlebar moustache, he was
quite a fearsome character.
The huge buffalo
came to rest with the other ones, along the shaded side of the Yama Lingam
temple. The fearsome looking cowherd walked into the open sanctum of the temple
and chose to sit on the seat-ledge alongside of the one where Dinesh was
seated. Feeling a strange sort of panic, Dinesh kept chanting silently. Up
close, he could see that the fearsome looking cowherd was a very normal person,
a local villager, and not at all frightening in any manner. Dinesh had seen
many such cowherds in his native Madurai rural areas and relaxed. The tall
cowherd glanced at Dinesh, examined him closely and made him out to be a
pilgrim on the Girivalam route.
Instantly, in
impulse, he asked, “Enna? Why are you out on the Girivalam in this
hot mid-afternoon? See, even my buffaloes have need for shade and rest at such
times. Take some rest. Go to sleep. Go afterwards, in the evening. You will be
able to walk easily and you can worship Arunachala with more devotion.
Go to sleep, now!” It seemed almost like a command, and Dinesh immediately
obeyed. The tall cowherd also did the same, and went off into snoring slumber.
Dinesh drifted off
into sleep. His dreams were floating from one perspective to the other. He kept
imagining himself on the Girivalam route, walking along with the priest
from the Yama Lingam temple. After a while, he dreamt that the
mendicants were walking along with him, and later, they were all riding the buffaloes.
The mendicants disappeared soon after, and the tall cowherd was walking along
with him. This dream was followed by a vision of the tall cowherd astride the
really huge buffalo. In his dreams, the tall cowherd was beginning to get
larger and larger, and the buffalo was also becoming enormous. The cowherd was
saying something, and since Dinesh did not answer, he was being shaken by the
shoulder.
He woke up with a
start, and indeed, the tall cowherd was standing alongside, and shaking him by
the shoulder. Alarmed, Dinesh sat up and asked about the matter. The tall
cowherd said, “Thambi, you were calling out in your sleep. You seemed to
be having some fearful dream. See, your prayer beads have also slipped out from
your hands and fallen on the ground. Pick them up. Drink some water.” Calmer,
Dinesh picked up the prayer beads and had some water from the bottle that he
carried. Wanting to share, he offered the bottle of water to the tall cowherd
and also passed on a couple of small bananas. The tall cowherd accepted the
water and bananas with a smile and said a word of blessing to Dinesh, and went
back to sleep.
Dinesh tried to
sleep, and surprisingly found that he was able to easily go back to deep
slumber. The fear factor of the tall cowherd was gone and he began to dream
about himself, about his family and his native Madurai. He could see events in
his life in a very clear manner, and he found himself wandering into the actual
happenings. He saw his childhood in Mumbai, Chennai and Madurai, and saw his
relatives, friends and neighbours. He saw himself wandering through the various
schools and classes where he had studied, and watched himself playing cricket
with his only brother and friends.
It was strange, as
he could see himself, as an elder person, 25 years old, and he could see the
other aspect of himself, as a five year old, or as a ten year old. He could see
his father, grandfather and aunts and uncles and similarly, he could see his
brother at different ages. There were people who were no longer with him now,
and they had passed on to a higher temple during the past many years. He could
see them, as though they were alive, and he could watch them talking to him,
when he was at a younger age. Dinesh felt very happy and content, and wanted to
continue to sleep, and did not want to wake up. It was amazing, and it felt
very real. Those who had passed on, were very much active and real, within his
sleep and inside his dreams.
Feeling pleasant,
but disturbed at the various images, Dinesh woke up. He was back in the open
sanctum of the Yama Lingam temple and nothing had changed. He was as yet
a 25 year old young man, and his prayer beads were with him. The tall cowherd
was sitting nearby, eating the bananas, watching his buffaloes. The huge
buffalo was walking about and changing his location. It seemed as though that
the huge buffalo wanted to be able to see the tall cowherd from where he sat
down. The elderly tall cowherd noticed the fact that Dinesh had woken up and
was sitting in a disturbed manner, and he came nearby and asked him, “Enna
Thambi, what’s wrong? Why are you looking sad and depressed? What happened?”
Dinesh thought to
himself. What the heck! It would not harm anything by talking to this cowherd. He
does not know me, and I do not know him. I can talk to him about anything and
walk away on the Girivalam route, and that will be the end of this
relationship. So, he replied, “Thatha, it is nothing. I was dreaming
about my younger days when I slept. I dreamt about people and I dreamt about
those who were no longer alive. But, in the dreams, they were all present and
it seemed that they were very much alive. I was talking to them, as a younger
person, but I was also present there, as an elder person. I could see that
there were two images of myself. It was very strange, and I felt disturbed. I
woke up, suddenly.”
The elderly tall
cowherd smiled, and said, “Thambi, why do you get frightened? You should
feel happy, that you were just able to go to sleep for such a short while, and
you were back with your loved ones, so easily. I can only see my buffaloes in
my sleep, and that huge one out there, even in my sleep, keeps pushing me and
keeps asking me for something or the other. I have tried beating him up in my
sleep, but he is very shameless. In real life, I have never beaten him. He is a
very lovable character and very intelligent. But in my sleep, he is a big
idiot. I am always very terrified of going to sleep. But, you should consider
yourself to be so lucky.”
Dinesh smiled and
watched the huge buffalo moving about. It was amusing to think of the buffalo
as a peaceful character in real life, when it did not look like one at all, and
to think of it as an unpleasant character in a dream, was really intriguing.
The elderly tall cowherd was also looking at the buffalo and smiling. How would
one actually dream about a buffalo? Dinesh asked the elderly tall cowherd, “You
really see your buffalo in the dream? Do you talk to him? Does he talk back to
you?”
The cowherd laughed
loudly, and replied, “Yes. Sometimes he talks to me. I talk to him. I wonder
what happens in his dreams. In mine, he comes to me and asks me to return home,
and tells me that I should go back to my family. But, I have no family. For
many years, I am alone. This huge buffalo is all that I have. The other
buffaloes are not mine. They belong to different families in the village. I
move around nearby. We get food when we get it, and there are small food cafes
in the Girivalam route, and they know us, and we get our food from them.
We do not have to pay them.”
Amazed, Dinesh
asked, “You have nobody? What about your family? They must be somewhere. Your
buffalo is your only companion? Wow. You are almost like me, then. My only
close relative is my brother. I have no other brothers or sisters. But, my
brother is away from me, married and settled well. He has his own life to take
care of. I lost my mother when I was just an infant and my younger brother was
only a toddler. I do not know what happened. Everyone tells me a different
story. I have come to the stage where I do not know whom to believe and what to
believe. I am happy with myself.”
The elderly tall
cowherd looked genuinely concerned at Dinesh’s story. He commented, “Arunachala!
O Arunachala! What is this? You are so young. Your life has not even begun.
I have lived something that must be more than a hundred years, I think. I do
not even remember when I was born. I do not need any family now. But, you! You
have not even started on your life. You do not know your mother, at all? For
me, I do not remember my mother, but I know that she was there sometime in my
life, and I remember her in my youth, but I cannot picture her. But, I am happy
for her, and for her memory, because I know that she was happy when she was
alive.”
Dinesh smiled, and
nodded in agreement. He wondered as to how be it so easy to talk to this
strange elderly man, sitting here in nothing but his loincloth, accompanied by
a huge buffalo that was grazing nearby. What was it that made him talk to such
a stranger on the first instance, and he could not as yet talk to his various
uncles and aunts who had taken care of him and his brother through their
younger days. Nobody had denied them anything. They had been made to feel as
though they were part of each family that they had lived with at some period of
their lives. They had been as equal to the children of their uncles and aunts
and never made to feel inferior. Why was he talking to this strange man about
all this?
Dinesh said, “You
know, you are very correct when you said that you are only able to talk to your
buffalo. I am not even that lucky. I have no memory of my mother. I do not know
about my younger brother. He was smaller than me. He would have no sensation at
all. Whenever I sleep, and when I dream, I can see my cousins, and my uncles
and aunts, and they are all as pleasant in my dreams as they are when I am
awake. Nobody every denied us anything. My mother’s brothers and sisters have
always taken care of whatever we would want. We have attended the best schools
and colleges.”
“Sometimes, I try.
I try to seek out my mother in my sleep. Sometimes, I try to create an image of
her. But, I fail every time. What do you do, Thatha? Can you pull back
memories of your mother? At least you know that she existed,” Dinesh asked, “Once
I asked my brother, but I feel that he is luckier than me. He is fortunate
because he would have no impression. Now he is married, and he has a child, and
he would see the relationship between the child and the mother. He will see the
love and he will see the demands made by the child. He will see how the mother
rushes to satisfy the child. I keep thinking about what my brother would be
thinking.”
The elderly tall
cowherd replied, thoughtfully, “Thambi, I know what is it that you are
asking, but I have no answers. I am not an educated person. Several people had
tried to put me in a school, but I would always run away and keep roaming about
with my buffaloes. Through my life, the only single aspect that I remember
about myself is that, I have always had a buffalo with me! I keep talking to
myself, and sometimes, people think that I am mindless, but my buffalo has no
problems with my behavior. I have learnt a simple trick when I get sad and
depressed when asleep. I wake up very fast, and I walk around. I do not
continue to sleep. If you do that, you are at the edge of terrible impulses.”
Dinesh sat quietly,
thinking, and thought – why not… let’s see what this man says about my
innermost fears. He asked, “There are times, sometimes when I have woken up and
been scared. I am all alone, and I see everyone taking care of their families.
I feel the loneliness and the pain of being alone in my thoughts. My uncles and
aunts may be thinking that I have grown up and that I am a married man, and I
should be left alone. But, I am indeed alone inside my mind. Sometimes, I feel
that I should just go away, and sometimes, I feel that this life is not worth
living. I should just put an end to it.”
The elderly tall
cowherd spoke angrily, “What sort of nonsense is that? Your life is not yours.
Your life belongs to Arunachala. Even death has no control over your
life. Do you know that? Give yourself up, to Arunachala. You have no
right to give up on yourself, by your own decisions. We will come and go, and
some many more generations will come and go. Before the first man was born,
there was Arunachala. Talk to him, when in doubt, and talk to him, when
happy. He is the cause of your happiness. He is the cause of your worries, because
he wants you to see deep within yourself. There is no sadness or depression in
life. It is the manner in which you see yourself.”
“Do not at any
moment think that you can give up on yourself, and give up on your life,” the
elderly cowherd said, standing up, and waving his hands at the sacred peak of Arunachala,
“Look at the Girivalam and learn from it today. When you walk, you start
at the beginning. But, what is the reason that you walk on the Girivalam?
It is not in homage to Arunachala alone that you walk on this sacred
path. You walk, and so do hundreds of thousands who come here, you walk, in
order to return to the beginning. Every aspect has a beginning, and the path
has only purpose. It is to take you back to the beginning. When you realize that,
you know the truth. You are on the path, to reach the beginning of another
journey. That’s all. It is that simple. There is never any end, for Maheshwara,
Arunachala, Shiva, is waiting, even in death, to return you to
the beginning of another path.”
Yama
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